Kaboutjie SA Mommy Blogs by Lynne Huysamen
Chances are that being a new mom means you are never alone, however you may find yourself feeling more lonely than you have ever felt in your entire life. If you already have friends that are moms you may be lucky and already have the most amazing mommy network there ready and waiting for you. This may not always be the case though and making mommy friends is such an important part of being a new mom.
I can only speak for myself when I say that I was not at all prepared for the loneliness I was about to face when I got married and moved to a new town with my new husband when I was 6 months pregnant with my first child. Moving away from the town I was born in and having to face this new chapter of family life did not seem particularly daunting before I moved, but I suddenly found that it was not so easy to meet people and make friends.
I felt like an outsider, throw in some PND and it was a recipe for disaster. One of the best things I did was join a baby group when my daughter was about 6 months old and I slowly started to meet other new moms. In fact the lady that ran the group was to become the first person I could call a friend in over 10 months. It was only when I made a friend that I realized how badly I needed to make mommy friends!
Here’s why you need to connect with other moms when you are a new mom:
Only Moms Know
Only another mother can understand what it is that you are going through in those first few months of being a new mom. It is completely unchartered territory for you, you wonder if you are doing anything right. You are exhausted, covered in spewed up milk and badly in need of a shower, a sleep and some TLC.
It is so comforting to be in the presence of another bedraggled new mother – you suddenly don’t feel like such a failure.
Support and Guidance
Yes it is nice having your mother to ask advice from but it is even better to have your own group of friends that you can sit and discuss your difficulties, achievements and confusion with.
It is also awesome to be able to have a good laugh about all those things that new moms encounter – the gruesome labor and birth that you encountered, all those embarrassing internals, the different types of poops and how often your baby poops, feeds and sleeps.
Let’s face it, your childless friends don’t want to hear about that black sticky first poop do they?
Time Is Tight
You might want to meet up with your new mommy friends, but time is not always on anyone’s side. While you may all be cancelling left right and center with each other, or struggling to even agree on a date and time that is suitable for you both… you understand. Your children and your family come first.
This video just says it ALL. Those friends without kids may just get frustrated and annoyed with you!
Crazy Phone Calls
I heard someone say once that if you phone a mother while she is with her kids it is like talking to someone with Tourette Syndrome and this is so true. The thing is that as soon as my kids know I am on the phone they will start acting up.
So in the middle of a sentence I will have to shout things at my kids to keep them under control. If I am talking to a mom friend and suddenly shout out they don’t blink an eye.
Mom Friends Keep You Sane
I would love to catch up with my mom friends more… but yes it goes like the video above! However with technology the way it is now, we are able to keep up to date daily and share our ups and downs which keep us sane.
I now have a small but safe and beautiful circle of mom friends that I can always rely on to be there for me and that I am happy to support in return. The days are long and tiring when you are a new mom trying to adjust to this new role and recover from your birth. Having friends to help and understand goes a long way.
How To Find Yourself Some Mom Friends
If you are about to become a new mom then I suggest that you start looking for some new moms and moms to be that you can get to know better.
If you are going to birthing classes try and find out which moms to be stay near you and see if you can connect over coffee. Search online for mom and baby activities in your area such as mom and baby groups that you can join when your baby is born. The two mornings a week that I went to mom and baby classes with my daughter were the highlights of my week for about a year. It meant getting out and spending time with other moms and babies. I would have gone bat crazy without it.
You can also check out your local calendar for family friendly events that you can go with your baby so you can get out of the house and hopefully also meet new moms.
Search for online mommy communities in your area, very often you can find playdates and connect with other moms from the comfort of your home!
I needed mom friends and still do even tho he is turning 3
Mom friends are the best when you have toddlers, cause you can schedule play dates and always have that one person that can understand all your frustrations.
My friend and I share everything about our boys, from their eating habits, crankiness to their poop all at one go and sometimes it does help to vent with somebody who will not take what you say the wrong way about 🙂
Its good to have moms friends,because u can learn for eachother.Me and my husband niece we share everything.awhen she needs help with something she just phone me and ask me “what can i do in this case”.
Yes, mom friends are hugely important, especially in the early days. I do think, though, that dad friends are just as important. A new dad is suddenly dealing with his normal work pressures on top of broken nights, extra chores and a wife who is suddenly a demanding, slightly deranged, hormonal mess (or maybe that was just me). He is expected to perform at work and then come home and pick up the pieces. Dad friends can empathise, advise and often make all the difference.
It also helps to have a few grandma friends. This was the case with me. With my line of work I had a lot of older ladies as friends. They had children a long time ago and they have all that experience. Now they enjoy their grandchildren and they have all the tips they hear from their daughters. Usually they also have a calmness that other young moms do not always have. And they have the time to help out it you need them, because a lot of them are retired and looking for babies to cuddle.
Couldn’t agree more.
Oh yes, granny friends are the best. They come with so much more patience than I have and yes also that calmness. They know what you are going through, they have been there done that and have the empty nest!
When i fell pregnant and had my baby i was very lonely because i had moved away from my parents and my siblings. We are altogether 5 sisters and one brother. So everyday i had at travel about 80 – 90 km’s just to see my family. I would pack in for the day and off we would go. It was very exhausting and time consuming. I never really relaxed and it became a bit too much for me. I wish i could turn back the clock and do it differently. I don’t regret seeing my family but it would’ve brought a lot more calmness and peace into my life if i had done it a little bit differently. Anyways, i eventually found a lovely mom’s and tots groups. I established a lot of good friendships. I’m still in contact with most of my friends. It was just such a relief to share your highs and lows with someone who was in the same situation as you. You can find these groups pretty much anywhere, like your church, clinics. library and even at various parks etc. You really don”t have to spend money to belong to these groups, that”s a huge lesson that i had to learn! Moms want to connect. You can even just try to google it and I’m sure you will find something. It”s not always easy to be alone and its good to off load on other moms before hubby comes home. He doesn’t always want to listen to the same complaints because he is also tired after a long day. So do yourself a favour and hook up with a moms and baby/tots class. It will do you and baby a lot of good!
I know that feeling @gaylem since I moved away from my parents and sister when I was 6 months pregnant. It was a drive of 150kms to get to them so it wasn’t a trip I could easily make there and back in a day with a baby! I always had to stay over and then it was the mission of packing so many things.
But on the bright side when I did make the trip I had my mom to help me.
Most of my friends that I hang out with are NOT moms….this makes hanging out so frustrating when you have to hear things like agh its not that important that he naps at that specific time or leave with this one and that one so we can go here and there….agh!!!!I was lucky to recently make friends with a lady that has four kids ao now I hang out with her more than the others…not so lonely and irritated anymore lol
Oh yes it is always great to meet a mom with 4 kids. Those moms are so chaotic with all that is going on around them that you feel sane for a bit.
I am glad to hear you have made a mom friend @nunu786 – you will soon figure out why it is so great for yourself.
Great article Lynne,
It is so true! Only friends that are Mommy’s can connect with you on this level, because they’ve been there, done that and got the T-shirt.
By the time I had JD, most of my friends were already Moms. I fell pregnant with JD when I was 38.
I was amazed at how many of my friends reached out to me when I was pregnant and offered their help once the baby was there.
But when I needed advice, I always confided in my best friend. She just knows me so well and would give me the honest truth.
She has two kids and didn’t always have it easy. Even though she was still married when she was pregnant and the children were small, she didn’t have a lot of support from her then husband and I always thing of her as a single parent because of all the trials and tribulations she has faced alone.
She is a very strong person and can handle any situation. She is fearless and stays calm in stressful situations, so she’s the very best person to have on your side.
She was the only friend that visited me in Hospital after the delivery of my baby and she still visits me at home or we go on outings. It is great, because her kids are older and help to keep JD occupied and entertained.
It really is wonderful to have Mommy friends. Since having a baby, my life revolves around nappies, formula, feeds, poops, sleep routines and basically just everything and anything to do with babies or toddlers.
I laughed out loud about your comment about the phone calls. I’ve done this a lot of times and probably sounds like a crazy person most of the time.
It is like kids have a sixth sense that tells them when you’re on the phone and needs distracting.
It is not the same to talk to your husband about these things because I get the feeling that most of the things I say goes in at the one ear and out at the other. And men don’t experience things the same way that us women do.
Mommy blogs are also a great way to connect with other Mommy’s and where you can ask questions. Most Mommy’s are supportive and will give you great advice from personal experience.
YES exactly @loupie! They will be playing nicely and quietly and then my phone rings, as soon as I answer it is like they become possessed. And the more important the phone call as in work vs pleasure the crazier they become. Yes they have a sixth sense for these things.
And yes I agree with you about husbands… my daughter asked me 2 days ago why her thumb nail looks so funny and I told her that when she was little she got a fungal infection and her finger and toe nails started falling off… and her nail looks like that from when it came off, it grew back funny.
My husband looked at me like I was crazy and asked me when on earth that happened. Unbelievable right? Your 18 month old child’s toe and finger nails fall off and you don’t remember? I was so freaked out and very upset by it and he has no recollection?
It’s only when he asked me how she could have picked up something like that and I said it was probably from the bath mat getting mold on it that he vaguely remembered and only because we had a tiff about that. He wanted to keep using the bath mat and I freaked and threw it out behind his back LOL. He said we needed it so she didn’t slip in the bath… I said she needed fingernails… you know how it goes.
Having mom friends is cool. But with me having had a pre-term baby my mom friends just didn’t get it. With our nearly 2 month hospital stay we made friends with other preemie moms, and it was great. But believe it or not as time as gone on and health issues have resolved it seems like those mommies no longer require my “friendship”. So I’ve found myself being quite lonely.
I’m sorry to hear that @tasmin but unfortunately some people are fair weather friendship types – when they need you they are there and when they don’t they aren’t around anymore.
I have to admit that I don’t have a lot of friends but the ones I do have are gold. I really suggest you join a moms and tots group and try to meet more moms. It may take a while before you make a good friend. I have only made a handful of good friends since my daughter was born but I had to get myself out there and find them!
Maybe start chatting with some moms here too. I have made some really good connections online!
This is such a helpful read. ESPECIALLY for new mommies.
One does not realize how important it is to have mommy friends until you turn a light shade of blue. Metaphorically of course.
I had a bad case of postpartum depression with my son. Literally sat at home all day being entangled by this new little life. Four walls can draw close when you are between them 24/7.
It is so important to get out, even if it is just for a walk with a mommy or two.
I enjoyed reading “Mom Friends Keep You Sane”the most as it so relevant for me.
Thank you Lynne
I am so sorry to hear about your PND @kobievrb I know how awful it can be. I suffered with PND after the birth of my first baby and it was such a lonely and painful place to be.
Thank you @lynne like they say…everything will be OK in the end and if it is not OK it is not the end. One gets through it and fortunately have resources one can get help from.
Hahahahaahaha @lynne you crack me up.
Your description of scenario’s are so funny and accurate. My husband and I are sometimes like complete opposites because he would interpret something I said or did completely different from my perspective. And most days he would ask me something that I remembered telling him the day before. Tsk! Tsk! Then I know he was definitely not paying attention. But that’s one of the things I’ve gotten used to with married life. 😀 He does little things or surprises me some days which totally makes up for it.
That’s the way we roll here 🙂 But yes all couples have their tiffs, and we don’t always get along… but I love him dearly all those moments when I don’t want to throttle him LOL
Married life is awesome though, I love it… most of the time. #mostlyhappilymarried
I need mom friends I guess that’s why I get depressed when I’m our with other moms at a baby shower or something I come home almost like a new person alive you get to learn you not alone in your struggles and get to share ideas like how to help a child read I just wish I could do this more often I feel scared and uncomfortable meeting new people but once you start chatting it changes. Joining kaboutjie has got me excited now I’m on a wider spectrum.
This article is so very true. When I had my first baby the few days in hospital was amazing. Everyone came to visit to meet the new baby. (not so much chatting to me). My mom stayed with me for a week after my baby was born and it was still great. She helped me a lot.
The Sunday morning when she left, I quickly ran to the bathroom and just cried my eyes out. Questions like “How will I cope?” and feelings like “I can’t do this alone” got the better of me.
I had a few friends who were already mothers but they did not live close by so I was alone during the day when hubby went to work. I desperately needed friends.
With my second one, more close friends had babies and we are now a very closed group of friends who get together quite a lot and it is a complete mad house with all the babies and toddler running around and fighting over toys.
A new mom definitely need that friends who is available at all times.
Having other moms as friends has made a world of difference to me. When I was pregnant with my first child, I attended ante-natal classes, and five of us responded to an invite after our babies were born to meet up for coffee, and almost five years later, we still meet! Our schedules are pretty hectic with work and kids etc., but we meet at each other’s children’s birthday parties and keep in touch electronically to chat and encourage each other. We have all gone through tough times and I personally dont know how I would ever have coped without their support.
It’s important to have mom friends so you can share your tips with each other. And if you feeling down they can lift your spirits up love this article