Abdominal pain hospital

Ectopic Pregnancy – The Pain Of Losing My Baby

The last week and a half has been incredibly painful and trying – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It is surreal now for me to look back and realize that two weeks ago I was so happy and positive. It seemed like everything in my life was coming together beautifully.

I could feel it – 2018 would be this amazing year where great things happen. But then in the space of just a few minutes it all came crashing down leaving me wondering what on earth happened, how did this happen and how do I move forward?

Yes I know I can move forward and I know things will get better with time but at this time I am on a roller-coaster not knowing when next I am going to be spun around or for how long.

I’m going to share my experience with you today. I have always found that sharing my pain helps to lessen it and along the way it helps others too. So here is everything that has happened and it is going to be a long read while I bare my soul and my pain, so go grab a cup of coffee.

Ectopic Pregnancy - The Pain Of Losing My Baby

The Week Before It Happened

I started having abdominal pain and on Friday 12th January it felt like another bladder infection – I am prone to getting bladder infections so I sent my doctor a message and he faxed a script to the pharmacy and I went and collected a sachet of Urinase. This usually clears up my bladder infections quickly. Within about an hour I started to feel a little bit of relief and thought the problem was resolved.

The next day the pain came back and I thought I was constipated. I felt pain and thought I needed to poop but when I went to toilet I felt pain when I pushed. So I took a laxative and an hour later I had a very long good session in the bathroom and I felt a bit better.

All through the week I had on and off abdominal pain but nothing too concerning. I brushed it off because my daughter was starting Grade 1 and I was rushing around getting everything prepared for her to start school and for my son to start in his new pre-school.

The pain would come and go. Each time I felt pain by the time I thought I might need to see a doctor it was gone again and then I got distracted with things.

On Saturday the 20th January my husband was out for the day and the pain came back again. I got the kids settled with a movie while I lay on the bed and phoned he doctor. We agreed I would see him on the Monday morning.

By the time my husband got home I felt just fine again. We had our regular “date night” of a steak braai and chips, then we watched some tv. I felt just fine until the moment I lay down in bed at 11pm. The pain was so sudden and intense that I jumped out of bed and told my husband I was going into hospital.

My poor husband got such a shock and wanted to wake the kids up and drive me there but I didn’t want to scare them or get them worried.

Going Into Hospital

While I was driving to the hospital I was convinced it must be my appendix about to burst. It was on my right side and I was in so much pain. My appendix is on the right side isn’t it?

I was hoping and praying that it wasn’t my appendix bursting, I didn’t know much about that except that it is very painful and dangerous, possibly even life threatening.

When I arrived at the hospital emergency rooms I told the man a reception I thought my appendix was bursting and he took me through to wait for a doctor.

Ectopic Pregnancy

The doctor came in and she was a beautiful young lady, I can’t stop thinking about how young everyone looks now. Either kids are graduating from school early and managing to finish university by the age of 15…. or (much more likely) I am getting old.

She asked me what the problem is and told me immediately that my appendix was not bursting. I breathed a sigh of relief… I’m out of danger, surely it can’t be too bad then?

Getting checked in ERShe felt my stomach and told me she wants some urine to do a pregnancy test. I actually laughed when I told her there is no chance of that because I am sterilized. She said it is just standard procedure.

When the doctor came back with a positive pregnancy test I was shocked and started wondering how on earth I would cope financially, how I would manage to cope with all my work and a newborn…. slowly it started sinking in that I was in hospital with excruciating abdominal pain and the doctor was still speaking.

I couldn’t quite focus on what she was saying, I was just catching key words…. “ectopic pregnancy”….”tubal pregnancy”… “life threatening”… “baby will never make it”… “need to operate”… It felt like the room was swirling.

For a few moments I just stared at her and she started to repeat herself.  She thought I had an ectopic pregnancy, which is where the fetus is not in the womb, most likely the fetus is in my tube. When there is an ectopic pregnancy the baby won’t make it – there is no chance. In addition to that the mother’s tube can rupture and this is life threatening. For this reason they will need to operate to remove the fetus.

I wondered if I was the only person that looked so blank and stupid when told something like this…. it just felt so surreal.

I asked the doctor if they could just move my baby from the tube into my womb. Surely with all this modern technology where doctors can make babies in a test tube they could just relocate it, right?

The answer was written all over her face when she told me she is sorry but there is nothing they could do to save my baby.

Tears started rolling down my face. Within the space of a few minutes I had found out I had the gift of life and that it was being ripped away from me.

We didn’t want another baby, but suddenly it was there and I wanted to protect it with all my being. Being worried about being able to cope with another baby seemed like a wonderful problem to have.

A burst appendix would also have been amazing. What do you need an appendix for anyway? I would happily have given up my appendix instead.

Phoning my husband from hospital to update him on what was happening was so painful and emotional. My heart ached having to tell him over the phone that we were losing a baby that we didn’t even know we had.

Ectopic Pregnancy

Tests and More Tests

The doctor then took my blood because she wanted to confirm my pregnancy with a blood test. It came back positive. They took more than one lot of blood – I don’t know what other tests they did.

Then she called the radiologist in so that they could do a scan to see what was happening inside me, possibly even to find out where the baby was located.

Getting Blood Tests DoneThis is the moment that I freaked out completely. While waiting for the radiologist to arrive I couldn’t stop thinking about seeing a baby, a little heart beat and I knew I would just break if I had to see that.

I called my husband but we had been talking on and off on the phone since I had left at 11pm and it was now 2am. He had fallen asleep and he was having problems with his phone often not making a sound when a call comes in. I called my mother in law to see if she could go to our house and wake him up to come to me and then she could stay with the kids.

Later I found out that my mother in law sleeps with her phone on silent. I’ve never had reason to call her at 2am before to find that out.

The thought of being alone and seeing my baby was too much for me. While waiting for the radiologist I cried buckets.

I was told to drink lots of water and not pee until he arrived since my bladder had to be full in order to see clearly when he did the scan.

The radiologist was a kind man that reassured me that it is way too early in pregnancy to see anything, according to my HCG levels I was 3-4 weeks pregnant.

This was a huge relief to me and I managed to calm down for a minute or two.

The jelly was rubbed onto my tummy and I held my breath anxiously while waiting to see something come up on the screen. I winced with pain when he pushed down and moved the scanning device around to try and see what was going on. I had no idea what I was seeing on the screen – all I know is that I didn’t see anything resembling a baby.

The radiologist then asked me to go and empty my bladder so he could do an internal scan as he will be able to see more.

I was not prepared at all for the pain of that internal scan. When he put it in me I surprised even myself by screaming in pain and nearly jumping right off the bed. It was excruciatingly painful and he had to keep moving it to check everywhere.

He could not find a baby, but I definitely had internal bleeding – what he referred to as “free fluids”. He agreed with the doctor that saw me originally that everything pointed to an ectopic pregnancy. Until proven otherwise this would be treated as an ectopic pregnancy.

I was taken back to the ER and saw the doctor again. She wanted to book me in overnight so that the gyni could see me in the morning and then they could go ahead with the operation.

My head was spinning. I remembered when I was a little girl and my mom got TB and we were woken up in the “middle of the night” (actually it was about 5am or 6am and still dark so it felt like the middle of the night) and my mom was taken to hospital. She was in hospital for about 3 weeks and we couldn’t see her. That experience still sticks with me.

I didn’t want my kids going to bed with their mom at home and “fine” then waking up with mommy gone. I told the doctor I had to go home and talk to my husband and pack some things and see my children first.

She said I can do that and be back at 8am to see the gyni.

I cried all the way home. Not the polite quiet crying I had done at the hospital, it was more the wailing scary kind.

My husband woke up when I got home and he held me in bed while I told him everything that had happened.

In the morning my mother in law phoned early and in a panic. A logical response to 20 missed calls at 2am. I gave her the sad news and asked her if she could please come to look after the kids while my husband and I went into hospital.

Back To The Hospital

We met the gyni at the hospital and she was lovely. Just like the radiologist, she first did an external scan and then an internal scan. It was uncomfortable this time but nowhere near the pain of the previous scans.

We asked her lots of questions and yes we asked again if she could move the baby to safety in my womb. She said if there is still a baby (and very likely there wasn’t anymore) there is just no way to do that.

She also could not see a fetus but she did see the free fluids and she said she was surprised I was not in more pain like I was with the previous scans. She thought perhaps that the danger was not quite as urgent as she thought because of this.

I was still trying to figure out how not to have the operation – it was not the thought of being cut open that disturbed me but the thought of having my baby removed. I asked whether it was possible to just leave it and see what happens, maybe things will just come right again. She looked dubious but left me and my husband to talk.

In a few minutes she came back to us and said that things have changed. She has now compared the scans that the radiologist took and the ones she just took and the situation was dangerous, my internal bleeding was getting worse not better. There was no choice but to operate or chances were high I would die.

The Operation

Everything was a whir from that moment on, I saw doctors, anesthetists and nurses. I was being asked when last I ate and whether I was allergic to anything. Next thing I was on an operating table and as I felt the sting of the anesthetics start to work I felt tears escaping. I had no choice but to let them cut me open and take my baby out of my body.

It was so quick, it felt like I was under for only a few seconds. I woke up vomiting, crying and sore.

They told me that they removed my right tube, along with the fetus and stopped the bleeding.

After Operation To Remove Ectopic PregnancyI forgot to mention that I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, 9 years clean and in recovery. This means that I can’t take any mood or mind altering substances. I can’t take anything that is addictive.

Anyone else going for the same operation would be given morphine in their drip and later Myprodols which have Codeine in them. I get paracetamol, both in my drip and in tablet form later for the pain.

When I take a Panado for a headache it usually does nothing, just the same in this case too.  I did take the Paracetamol in the hopes that it will make a difference but the pain was extreme and I don’t think it helped at all. I did the same when I gave birth to my daughter via c-section and later with my son also via c-section.

The nausea I felt when I woke up stayed with me for a few hours so I just lay as still as I could on the bed with my eyes closed.

My husband came to see me after the operation. He must have been through absolute hell.

It was his loss too and he had me to worry about on top of that pain and shock. I think it was easier for me because I was so upset by the miscarriage that I didn’t think about myself during all the craziness. However if the tables were turned and I had to deal with the emotional pain and I thought I might lose my husband too it would be a very different story.

The afternoon felt so long lying in the bed trying trying not to vomit, feeling the pain of the operation and trying to process the events of the last 12 hours.

A nurse came in and asked me if I was in pain. I said yes. She brought me some Paracetamol and told me that she understands I am an addict, but I do need to know that the doctor has made a note in my file that he has prescribed Morphine in case I need it.

In my head I heard my moms words when I was preparing for the birth of my first child “You don’t need to be a martyr – if you need pain medication you can choose to take it and we will deal with it”.

Immediately I thought of the relief that a good dose of Morphine would bring me. I would be able to blot out all the pain I have had to face. I would be able to forget I had lost a baby just for a short while. Oh what bliss that would be!

I realized that the thought of taking Morphine was not for blocking out the physical pain, it was to blot out how I was feeling emotionally. This is what addicts do – they take drugs to run away from their feelings.

I declined the Morphine and swallowed my Paracetamol with a pinch of resentment.

Recovering From An Ectopic Pregnancy

The pain from the operation was awful, but I can take that type of pain. I have had 2 c-sections before and lived to tell the tale. The same is true now. I will live to tell the tale.

There were some things I struggled with in the hospital – there were always nurses and doctors checking up on me and for some reason it felt like every doctor and nurse referred to my “3rd pregnancy” and my “3rd c-section”.

It felt strange and didn’t fit. Even now I can’t get my head around the fact I was pregnant. Something I think that adds to this shock is that when I gave birth to my youngest my tubes were cut at my request. I was sterilized.

I can deal with my contraception failing, geez I have dealt with that. I was on the pill when I fell pregnant with my daughter. Then I had the loop put in after she was born. I have no idea what happened to that loop but when I fell pregnant with my son it was nowhere to be found!

Yes it would have been tough to have another baby, but it is life and it is beautiful. If mother nature decided to gift me with another child even though I am sterilized so be it. We would have had another little being to bring a smile to our faces every morning.

Being sterilized, having it fail and then having to deal with a loss like this is awful. I feel cheated. I feel so angry.

I want to know how come babies can be made in test tubes and put into a woman’s womb yet my little baby had no chance of being moved. Technology is so advanced but it has let me down.

And calling my operation a c-section just feels all wrong. I had c-sections when I willingly had them to give birth to my beautiful babies. What happened to me feels like an abortion that was done against my will. My choice was that I can die along with my baby, or just my baby. Not much of a choice is it?

Yes it is true that we never wanted another child but when you find out that life has begun in your body you just want to protect it with all of your being. I feel like I failed my baby, like there should have been something I could do.

Emotional Healing

Emotional Healing

I have been through so much in my life, from the pain of being an addict and wrecking my life, to rape and abuse… been there, done that and I’ve come out the other side. Strong, healthy and happy… but this experience has done it for me. This has topped all the awful things in my life by a long shot. It came out of nowhere and it knocked me down flat.

In some ways I feel like I am sadder now than straight after the operation when I was in so much pain. I believe that is because when I was in physical pain it distracted me from my emotional pain, so it was strangely welcome. I guess that goes back to why I used to be a cutter. You feel emotional pain, so you cut yourself and you feel that instead. It draws the focus away from your emotions, just like a drug or alcohol will.

Now I am left with nothing but the emotional pain that I need to work through and it feels so raw when I face it. I long for something to drown it out.

Looking Back – Signs and Symptoms of Ectopic Pregnancy

Now that I know I was pregnant I can look back and clearly see the signs of pregnancy and also of possible problems.

The first thing is that it seemed that the last month or two my 4 year old son has been all elbows. As in he has been elbowing my boobs non-stop! But now I realize he wasn’t doing it any more than usual, my boobs were just ultra sensitive (and big).

I was exhausted – another sure sign of pregnancy, I was so much more tired than usual.

My last two periods were not normal. This is going to be a TMI moment… last year end of November or beginning of December I had a really strange period. It was perfectly normal then when it should have stopped I had stringy dark blood coming out for a few days. I was going to check it out at the doctor and ran out of time.

I did think maybe it was maybe me hitting early menopause or something because I had heard that your period does strange things when you start going into menopause. I had also heard that it is common for women that have been sterilized to hit menopause early. I started to research early menopause but then I got distracted and didn’t take it any further.

My next period started late, I’m sure of it but I don’t actually keep track of it. I think it was about a week late and it was an even stranger period with stop start bleeding for about 10 days. Some of the blood was red and looked like normal period blood, but sometimes there were bits of dark stringy blood. Once again I told myself to make time to research early menopause but never got around to it.

Look For The Gift In Everything

So far I have shared my pain and sadness with you, getting really into it all… but there is something more that I need to share before I am done.

I truly believe that there is something to be learned with everything that we experience in life. Even the most tragic and painful things come with a gift and if you can find that gift and focus on it then perhaps some good will come from something dark and painful.

The first thing that has happened is that my husband and I have grown closer. I have seen a new tenderness in him while he has looked after me that I haven’t seen before. I have a newfound respect for my husband. He has suffered the same emotional pain as me, plus he had to look after our 2 kids, run the household and also manage to fit in his work. It must have been an awful challenge and he stepped up and just got things done. My love for him has grown and he has let me love him through this. We have managed to bond more over this tragedy.

My relationship with my kids has shifted. The way their faces lit up when they came home from school to find me home from hospital had my heart bursting with love. They climbed into bed with me and we cuddled for so long. I has been just over a week since I got home and they are helping me with everything – from making sure their beds are made in the morning, to carrying the shopping and helping me with the washing.

I’ve always been very firm with my children, perhaps a little too firm? I’ve softened and I’ve kissed and cuddled them more. I just want to hold them closer.

The other gift is that I have been telling people what has happened and the response has been incredible. I had no idea so many people have had miscarriages and similar experiences with ectopic pregnancies.

There is an amazing lady that works for me one morning a week and I told her why I wasn’t home on Monday. She hugged me and got all emotional. She told me that she also had an ectopic pregnancy 3 years ago. A very similar story except that she did see her baby on the scan and she did see a heartbeat.

She is from Zimbabwe so her family is all there, it is just her and her boyfriend here. I am so glad I could share my experience with her so she doesn’t feel so alone anymore. I hope it has helped her to heal a little bit.

There are many more instances over the last week where people shared their own pain with me, but if I have to share all of that this will become a crazy long post!

I know that this is a mighty long post, but I wanted to bare it all here. If I had this awful experience perhaps I can help others by sharing about it. My heart goes out to all women that have lost a baby, I am so sorry. Now I share your pain.

Gratitude

Big Time Thank You

A huge thank you to Liberty and LG for being so awesome and understanding about my circumstances and being late with some campaigns. That was one huge worry off my chest that helped me cope by just having to focus on myself and not worry at all about work!

Thank you to my husband, for being there for me 150% of the way, you are my rock.

Thank you for my mother in law for helping with the kids and the cooking while I was in hospital, I felt so much happier knowing you were at my home taking over for me.

And to my mom, thank you for coming to stay and help. It meant the world to me that you came to look after me and my family. And with my healing – you just full a spot that nobody ever else can come close to. I needed my mommy so much and you were here.

To my girlfriends – Anthea, @yvettehess and @siobhan – you rock and you helped put a smile on my face… and brought me a toothbrush, toothpaste and chocolate when I needed it most in hospital. All those whatsapp voice notes kept me going and kept my chin up. I love you ladies!

To Bert and Ellen – thank you for coming around and sharing your experiences with me, I truly appreciate it. I can feel a weight has been lifted.

Check Also

Pregnant Woman holding herbs

25 Herbs To Avoid During Pregnancy

We all know how important it is to take care of our bodies every day, …

52 comments

  1. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. This is one of the most painful thing to go through. I have also experienced two miscarriages. One in july last year and again in december. Some days i didnt know how i was going to get through the day.

    • Karlien I am so sorry you had to go through this too, and twice in the space of 6 months… I just can’t imagine how much you suffered and probably still are.

      Thank you for sharing your experience, it makes such a difference to me knowing that I am not alone and other people know what I’ve gone through.

      • Thank you. It also helps me knowing im not alone in this. I am not completely depressed and crying everyday any more. But once in a while when i see a pregnancy announcement or see a woman with n bump i do get sad. But intry to stay positive

  2. I am so sorry for your loss xx

  3. @lynne
    All while reading this my body is covered in goosebumps!!
    Again, I am so sorry for your loss!

  4. I do not have words at the moment. To say “sorry for your loss” does not sound good enough. I also have a daughter who just started Gr 1 and a boy who just started his new pre-school. Life is pretty hectic as it is – I can only imagine what you must have been through. It sounds harsh, but I believe that everything happens for a reason. We may not understand it at the moment and we might always ask “Why?” but in the end, know that it happened with purpose. Be strong and thank you for being so brave to share your story with the world!

    • Thank you Ansie. It has been a trying time, but I know that with some time it will get easier. I do believe everything happens for a reason, but there are so many moments still that I feel angry and cheated.

      What has been amazing is the amount of women that are contacting me to share their stories of loss. It is overwhelming and so sad to know that so many women have had to face this.

  5. @lynne Thanks for sharing your story with us and putting it out there.
    Before I read your post, I never knew that this could happen nor that you could get pregnant after being sterilized.
    I’m so sorry for your loss and I can imagine how traumatic this must have been for you, not just physically but emotionally as well.
    This is a real eye-opener.

  6. I do not think there is a pain worse than losing your child. It is a pain so intense which words often fail to articulate.

  7. @lynne what a testimony!

    I am so so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what you went through. I think the physical pain and suffering is easier to get over than the emotional scar that is left behind. I do not know how it feels to loose a child. 🙁

    I would not even know where to start my process of healing.

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. What you said about we need to see the gift in everything is so true. Your children are the best gift of life and they will be there for you through the emotional healing process.

    Thinking for you!

    • Thank you @elena. The healing has started but it has not been in a straight line. Some moments I am fine and then suddenly I feel broken.. but the moments of being ok are becoming more regular now. I know this is going to be a long process. It feels like it happened only yesterday and it has now been 2 weeks.

  8. I’m so sorry you had to go through this, it’s absolutely heartbreaking. Sending you hugs as you begin the journey to healing

  9. Big hugs! My friend fell pregnant on her honeymoon and we were so exited! At 8 weeks she started bleeding and had a miscarriage. The doctor said that the baby never developed, it was just a sack, so it is not that bad… Trying real hard not to curse! She had all the pregnancy symptoms, nausea, tiredness, sore breasts… And all the excitement of preparing for a baby, buying cute baby outfits. This was a very real loss. We all were devastated! She cried for days! She decided to try to get pregnant again about 4 months later. But her periods were irregular and she struggled. I found out I was pregnant, very unexpected and unplanned, but that’s a story for another time.
    I so wished she would get pregnant soon, so we can share this journey. She didn’t. When I was 8 months pregnant, she had two red lines. Finally!!! She sheduled a visit with her gynie as soon as possible. She wanted to know if there is a baby in the sack this time. A day before her appointment, she started bleeding a little. At the appointment the doctor confirmed an ectopic pregancy. She had to have surgery and they managed to save her tube, luckily. She missed my baby’s birth. She was broken. It was a very emotional time. She is too scared to get pregnant again. Although I’ve been with her, seen her tears and ‘felt her pain’, I will never really know the depth of her pain. My baby is 8 months old. She went of the pill for her husband. I so hope she will get pregnant soon and have a healthy pregnancy!

    • I am so sorry to hear about your friend’s awful experiences. I also had someone tell me that I shouldn’t worry, my baby wasn’t even a real baby yet and it never would have been. That sort of thing hurts. It doesn’t matter to me if it was “just 8 weeks” and I didn’t want more kids. Someone else told me that it is a good thing really since we didn’t want more kids. True, but it was still a huge loss to us.

      I am hoping and praying that your friend has a healthy pregnancy soon. And congrats on your baby!

      • Thinking of you! Dealing with the loss (planned or not) will take time. You will never forget, but you will get through this. You are not alone. My heart aches for everyone who lost a baby. Thanks for sharing your story ❤️

  10. very heartbreaking story to read. i remember in my last pregnancy i started spotting and i cried my eyes out thinking this is it, im losing my baby. turned out baby is just fine. so to actually lose your baby must have been awful and really heartbreaking. thinking of you and you in my prayers.

  11. Hello Lynne, there are actually nou words that can make it better, talking about my own personal experience. I had a miscarrige in January 3.5 years ago at home and everything happend so quickly….I was in a emotional state as well and felt so guilty and sad (my husband first child) ……Yes people say it was not a baby like you mentioned Lynne, of course it was!!! We buried the fetus (we thought it was a boy) he was already a tiny little person under a tree overlooking our farm. We struggled with the thoughts. ….WHY, with time things change and you can handle it better but I think that you dont forget. My thoughts are with you Lynne, lots of hugs…. !!!

    • Thanks Lynn and I am so sorry that you also experienced losing a baby. You know what struck me now? I have nothing to bury, no ashes to scatter… and I so wish I did.

      • You can still have a little ceremony Lynn.
        You don’t need ashes to bury something. You could get something symbolic and bury that with Colin.
        You could even write baby H on a piece of paper, burn it and scatter those ashes over the sea outside together.

        • Yes I know I don’t need anything to have a ceremony, and I do need to do something at some stage to let go. I was actually thinking of getting a tree and planting it at my parents farm. It will grow into something beautiful that will always be there 🙂

  12. Saying i am sorry for your loss does not take the pain away but i am so so sorry for your loss.

    I have been through 3 Miscarriages and they were all hell i understand how you feel and I do hope you go plant that tree you need to have some form of a ceremony even if its something as small as lighting a candle it wont take your pain away but it will give you a little more peace.

    I just want to tell you that you are a stong remarkable woman and the way you shared your experience with so many woman is amazing you will get through this and you are an inspiration and your story will help many women.

    And regardless of the mean things people have told you, you have lost a little part of you and you do have a little hole inside of you that wont be filled and you are aloowed to be sad through this time.

    Thank you for being so brave and honest and sharing your story with us.

  13. I am so sorry for these terrible things you had to experience.Especially the night in hospital all alone. It is never easy to loose a baby,even if you only knew about him/her for a few moments.

    I was pregnant with twins,but on 11 weeks I lost one of them. This was very difficult and we were so looking forward to two babies. I am so greatfull that my daughter continued to grow and developed normally.The joy about her helped a whole lot.

    It is two years later now and sometimes I still wonder about my daughters’ twin.I wonder if she maybe has a feeling that she had a twin. A lot of people talk about a connectedness between twins that start in the womb already.

    She is an extremely friendly and happy, wellbalanced child so I doubt any negative effect of this on her.

    • I am so sorry you lost a baby, that must be so heartbreaking at 11 weeks! I wonder will you ever tell her about her twin?

      We have not said anything to our children about what happened except that my tummy was sore, I went to the doctor and they fixed it for me. They are too young to understand… well my daughter is 6 so she will understand but she is so sensitive – she will be so upset.

      I will probably tell them when they are older.

      I’m so glad you have your girl, and that she is healthy but I am sure you will also always wonder.

  14. There can be no greater pain for a parent than the loss of a child. May you be comforted by the support of your loved ones and always retain a space within your heart for your angel baby. Blessings and prayers for you XXOO

    • So true, the pain of loosing a baby is not one easily to forget.

      We are so fortunate that you guys are strong enough to share your stories, unfortunately this is one that I can touch base on and that is as far as I can go, I prefer not to talk to much of what had happened.
      My first pregnancy ended at 4months, my babys heart just stopped beating, it was the worst experience in my entire life.

      I can relate to all those out there that have lost their precious angels, the were picked cause god picks the best.

  15. I am so sorry for your loss. The strange thing is that I too have had my tubes tied in July 2017. in December my period was almost like implantation bleeding and lasted only two days. I skipped January and started on the 29th, almost three weeks after I am supposed to. had it for 4 days stopped one day started with dark stringy discharge like you said. I also experienced abdominal pain. I took 3 pregnancy tests that came back negative and also went for a sonar, empty… I truly hope that you manage to move on as I know you’ll never be able to forget. Good luck ?

  16. So sorry for your loss, I don’t think there is anything as bad as losing a child. My son (now 3) I almost lost when giving birth due to the hospitals negligence. The first 3 days after his birth was the worst I never knew when they were going to tell me that he didn’t make it. I kept praying and asking God to please not take away the most amazing gift HE could have ever given me. there was a sudden change in his health and everything changed. No parent should have to go through an ordeal like this.

    I believe that you are strong and you will make it , everyday is a step closer. I once again am sorry for your loss.

    • I am so glad to hear that your son is fine, what a traumatic and scary experience for you. My aunt had a baby girl that lived for 2 weeks in hospital before passing away. I keep thinking about her all this time, and the immense pain and suffering she must have gone through.

      You are so fortunate that your son is healthy now 🙂

  17. Oh my goodness, my heart was in my throat for this entire read. I’m so sorry that you had to go through everything that you did; I had a phantom pregnancy just before my 18th birthday, 14 years ago. My body reacted as if it were pregnant; nausea, big boobs, “showing”, urine and blood tests all showed positive results. But on the scan there was nothing. My doctor believes that I was actually pregnant, but that I miscarried and my body wasn’t able to dispose of what was left. So I had a huge infection, and had to go in for a DNC. I think that tops my list of scariest things ever to experience. I’m still with my now husband, and he was so supportive and caring, which I’m very grateful for.

    Thank-you for sharing your story; you’re a brave woman and I wish you all of the best.

  18. This is one story that has so many emotional roller coasters to it.. Firstly I am so sorry that you had to lose the baby. This experience however has changed you as a person and its extended to your husband kids friends your extended family. Its truely amazing that a lot of victory comes after a lot of pain. You have a gift of beautiful relationships with people you hold so dear to your heart. You are a gift to most of us reading your story and someone out there who might have gone through an ordeal like this alone, no support or love from family. Imagine someone going through this and they are unable to even afford to get proper medical care. There is actually so much to be grateful for in your pain . Thank you for sharing and praying for complete healing.

    • Yes I have had so much support and love during this time @lakini – It has been so hard but the support has been a great help – both physically so I can recover from the operation but also to help me emotionally. It has been such a trying time.

      I am so glad I found the strength to share my ordeal and hopefully it will help others to heal.

  19. Hey Lynne,

    What a powerful story! I am so sorry you had to go through this.

    I know what you’re going through, but sometimes stuff in life just happens and we can’t explain it. Losing a baby is one of the hardest things in the world to deal with. I remember years ago my friend kept having miscarriages and it was insanely hard for her. Did you know that the biggest bond between two people is between a mother and her kids?

    One thing I have learned in my life is when we have mishaps that we have to deal with is don’t ask ourself why? Just except whatever cards we are dealt with in life. It’s won’t help emotionally to keep playing out events in our mind and ask why.

    You know what is amazing is that you went through this horrible experience, but you wrote about it and it’s going to help so many people in this world. That is a gift right there!

    One thing that has helped me over the last couple years is meditation and essential oils. I typically like to meditate in the morning and actually feel a lot less stressed if I don’t. Also, I am completely obsessed with essential oils. Always have them going in my house throughout the day.

    Lastly, everything happens for a reason, though. Personally, I haven’t dealt with anything like this. But, one thing that really hit hard with me was my business was doing almost $100,000 a year and then I went down to 5-6k a year. It was so hard and I got really depressed during that time and almost quit my business altogether.

    • Thank you for visiting and sharing your thoughts Garen. I am now doing a lot better, it is amazing the difference 2 weeks can make when it comes to emotional healing.

      I am so sorry to hear about your business doing such a nosedive that must have been such a knock to you! I am sure though that you will learn from that and grow stronger again.

  20. Wow – thank you for sharing your story with us. The pain is so deep and readign this brought back my own memories. I have a 5 month old now and every time I look at him and his older brother I am reminded of how blessed we are.

    Wishing you and your family healing and many happy moments.

  21. Thank you for sharing and I am so sorry to hear about your experience.

    I too had an ectopic pregnancy about four years ago. I did not know I was pregnant until I landed in the hospital with excruciating pain in my abdomen and started bleeding profusely. I ended up having the laparoscopic surgery as well as having one of my ovaries and fallopian tubes removed as they were severely damaged.

    The shock was the worst as I had just had a miscarriage two years before that and I was on a contraceptive pill so never expected it. Although I dealt with it better than my first miscarriage as I did not know I was pregnant the second time.

    • I am so sorry to hear about both your miscarriages @eve700 – I know what an awful experience it is with the shock of not knowing you are pregnant and then having to have surgery straight afterwards. I hope you have managed to find peace and closure for yourself now.

  22. Oh dear @lynne I am so sorry that you had to go through all of this. I can’t imagine what you and your husband must have gone through.

    It’s amazing that you can look on the bright side and see all the good that came from this situation. I’m sure your story has touched and helped many people.

    All the best.

  23. Thanks so much Lynne, I am doing so well now, have two beautiful girls!

  24. Hi Lynne,

    Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I too have had miscarriages, and I was heartbroken. Wishing you much gentleness and rest during your recovery.

Leave a Reply