Divorce is HARD Even When It’s “Easy”

It has now been two months since my divorce was finalised, and I’ve had a bit of time to sit with the reality of it all. On paper, everything went as smoothly as it possibly could. It was amicable, fair, and free from the drama. And yet, despite all of that, it was still intensely hard. Divorce is hard even when it’s easy, and the emotional weight of it has surprised me in ways I didn’t expect.

Moving Out – Without My Kids

Leaving my marriage was something I had wanted to do for years, but no matter how I tried to work it out, it simply wasn’t financially possible to leave with my kids. So I stayed, and the longer I stayed, the lonelier and sadder I became. My mental health deteriorated to the point where it was no longer manageable. As an addict and alcoholic in recovery, I knew the risks — and at 15 years clean, I slipped and drank. I managed to get back on track quickly, but that moment was a wake-up call. It became painfully clear that staying in a marriage that made me so deeply unhappy was putting my sobriety, and ultimately my life, in danger. I had known for a long time that I needed to leave, but finding the strength to finally say “enough is enough” took time.

When I finally reached that point, I made a tough decision: to move out on my own and leave my children with their dad temporarily, until I could get myself into a position to take care of them properly. It remains one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Yes, I saw them every day. Yes, they stayed with me on weekends. But coming home to a quiet house without them, not having them under my roof, not hearing their footsteps or their voices — it was brutally hard. I lived alone for eight months before I was able to arrange accommodation for both me and the kids, and those months were painfully long.

It Was An Intensely Emotional Experience

Even though my marriage was over long before the divorce became official, and we both knew it would end eventually, nothing prepared me for how emotionally draining the practical side of it would be. By the time we separated, I’d already worked through much of the grief and loss, but the reality of signing the actual paperwork and making practical decisions hit me far harder than expected.

Every time something arrived from my lawyer, I’d let it sit in my inbox for days because just opening it felt heavy. I’d take a quick glance, close it again, and wait a few more days before I could bring myself to sign and send it back. It was a strange mix of acceptance and emotional exhaustion — proof that even when a divorce is the right decision, the process can still cut deep.

 

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Getting My Kids Back With Me

Getting my kids back with me came with a whirlwind of mixed emotions. We moved to my parents’ farm, about 300km away from their dad. On one hand, I was overjoyed to finally have them under my roof again after so many months apart. On the other hand, I never wanted them to be so far from their father, it was not part of my plan. He isn’t a bad person or a bad dad—in fact, I still care for him deeply. But love on its own isn’t enough to sustain a marriage, and despite all our efforts we ultimately made each other unhappy.

Making the decision to move my children so far away from their father was also of the hardest choices I’ve ever had to make. The guilt and sadness that come with it still sit heavily on my heart. Even though the move has been the right step for our new chapter, it’s a decision that continues to carry emotional weight.

You Never Really Know Someone Until You Put Them To The Test

I’ve seen so many couples I admired get divorced and turn bitter with each other, often to the detriment of their children. After 13 years of marriage, I thought I knew my ex well enough to believe the process would go smoothly, but there was still an underlying fear that things could get messy—and that my kids would end up caught in the middle. The thought terrified me.

I have to hand it to my ex: he was incredible throughout the entire process. Every step of the way, he handled things with grace, maturity, and a clear focus on the well-being of our children—even when it must have been deeply painful for him, especially with the kids moving so far away. His approach reminded me that even in difficult circumstances, it’s possible to prioritise care, respect, and love for your children above all else.

It’s Not Just Numbers – It’s My Kids’ Future

I found negotiating maintenance far more stressful than I ever expected. Working through the calculations to ensure my kids could maintain the same standard of living gave me anxiety to the point where some days I couldn’t even bring myself to open the spreadsheet. It wasn’t just numbers on a page—it was their future, their stability, and their well-being that I was trying to protect. Every figure represented more than finances; it was about making sure they would continue to thrive, and that responsibility felt immense.

The Woman Usually Comes Off Worse Financially

I quickly learned that, in most divorces, women tend to come off worse financially. More often than not, children end up living with their mother, which means taking on the unpaid labour of raising kids and running a household. On top of that, the legal guidelines around maintenance can feel baffling. For shared expenses like rent, water, electricity, and food, the parent with custody is considered responsible for two parts of the expense, and each child counts as one part. With two kids, this means I can only claim a quarter of the total shared expenses. For example, if my rent is R20,000, I can only claim R5,000; if groceries cost R10,000, I can only claim R2,500.

It doesn’t take a math expert to see how unfair this can be, especially when women often earn less than men, and their earning capacity can be further reduced by the responsibilities of motherhood. The financial realities of divorce are sobering, and it quickly becomes clear that the system doesn’t always reflect the full burden placed on mothers.

The Thought Of Single Parenting Is Scary

As a work-from-home mom, I’ve always handled the majority of day-to-day parenting, so in many ways, not much has changed for me. That said, I always had backup if needed—someone to step in if I got sick or if a child was unwell on a day I had work commitments I couldn’t shift. Now, all of that responsibility lands squarely on me, and I have to figure it out on my own. I haven’t run into any major problems yet, but just knowing that I’m entirely on my own adds a significant mental load. The thought of being solely responsible for every little thing, no matter how small, is both daunting and exhausting.

The Emotional Toll Of Finalising The Divorce

The day my divorce was finalised turned out to be an emotional rollercoaster that completely took me by surprise. I expected to feel a little sad and out of sorts, but the reality was far more intense. I cried the entire way from the court to my sister’s house, overwhelmed by a mix of grief and elation. The sadness felt crushing, yet there was also a strange sense of relief and freedom that left me dizzy with emotion. For days afterward, I felt dissociated, barely able to think or focus on anything. I was completely floored by the intensity of it all—both by the weight of what I had lost and the unexpected joy of a new chapter beginning.

The Process Of Grieving

Grieving a divorce is an intense and confusing process, full of mixed emotions and waves of deep sadness. For a long while, I felt overwhelmingly sad and unsure of myself, caught between relief and loss. Over time, however, I realised that what I was truly grieving wasn’t the marriage I had, but the hopes and dreams I had built around it—the vision of a life together that would never come to be.

That understanding didn’t make the sadness disappear, but it helped me make sense of my feelings and begin to process the loss in a way that felt honest and necessary. Grief, I’ve learned, isn’t linear, and it can take time to untangle the emotions tied to what we’ve lost versus what we imagined.

 

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Having A Great Lawyer Makes All The Difference

Having the right lawyer by your side during a divorce can completely change the experience, and I was incredibly fortunate to have Mariska Botha from MMB Attorneys guiding me through the process.

What stood out most was that even though she was representing me, she always kept the well-being of my entire family in mind, including my ex-husband. Her approach was never about creating conflict or turning the process into a battle. Instead, her focus was on keeping things as amicable and respectful as possible, which made an emotionally heavy journey so much easier to navigate.

I went into the divorce not really knowing what to expect, and she supported me through every step with professionalism, compassion, and an incredible amount of patience. Knowing she had my back, while also safeguarding the bigger picture, brought me so much peace during an overwhelming time. I am truly grateful for the steady guidance and humanity she brought to one of the most difficult experiences of my life.

A Little Support Goes A Long Way

Throughout this journey, I was incredibly fortunate to have an amazing support system holding me up when I needed it most. My friends and family were there emotionally, offering comfort, encouragement, and a safe space to fall apart when I needed to.

People rallied around me in practical ways too – helping me pack and move, offering transport for moving, and volunteering to come with me to court on the day my divorce was finalised. My family also stepped in with financial support so I could get my kids back with me, something I will never stop being grateful for. And then there was the unwavering support from my online community – my readers, followers, and fans who sent messages, shared kindness, and reminded me daily that I wasn’t alone.

Every bit of support, big or small, meant the world to me. Even in the hardest moments, knowing that so many people had my back made all the difference.

Conclusion

As I reach the end of sharing my experience, I’m reminded again just how tough divorce can be, even when everything goes smoothly and respectfully. It is a profound emotional shift, a reshaping of family life, and a process that forces you to confront realities you never expected to face.

My heart truly goes out to anyone going through a divorce, especially those navigating conflict, uncertainty, or the added complexity of children caught in the middle. No matter how “easy” it looks on paper, it is never easy in the heart. If you are walking this road, I hope you find strength, clarity, and the support you deserve as you build your next chapter.

And if you feel comfortable, I’d love for you to share your own experience in the comments – your story might help someone else feel a little less alone.

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