Having a miscarriage is an awful experience and I have found everyone to be so supportive and kind. However there have been a few things said to me with the best of intentions but they have ripped at me. So I am just going to put that out here.
It is important to remember that miscarriage is loss and there is a certain etiquette when it comes to loss. Here are some things that were said to me that I feel would be best left unsaid.
Things Not To Say To Someone That Had A Miscarriage
You didn’t want another baby so it is for the best.
Yes I had my tubes cut when my son was born and yes we didn’t want another baby – that is true. BUT we did fall pregnant, life did start in me. And that was taken from me. That was my baby, and when I found out it was there I wanted it with all my being. Both my children were surprises, that doesn’t mean I love them any less. When I found out I was pregnant with them I wanted them with all my being, just like with this pregnancy.
You are still young enough to have another baby.
I don’t want another baby, I never did. But when I found out that I was pregnant I wanted it. I wanted THAT baby, I don’t want another one. It can’t be replaced and I don’t want it to.
Don’t worry it wasn’t a baby yet, it was just a fetus.
When you find out someone is pregnant even if it is just 4 weeks they are “having a baby” yet suddenly I have lost “a fetus”. I’ve never met a pregnant women talking about “my fetus” – she always says “my baby”.
I know you are trying to make me feel better, but saying my baby had not developed yet is not helping me. I should have had a baby, not an operation to remove “a fetus” and one of my tubes. I lost my baby, you can say it. I lost my baby and I feel so sad.
It’s just as well, a new baby would have set you back financially.
Yes that is true, babies are expensive and having a third child would have been a huge expense. Babies also bring light and love into your family, a baby is a gift. I’m not thinking of the fortune I am saving by losing my baby, I am just sad.
Death and loss always is uncomfortable and painful. A simple sentence will do when it comes to miscarriage – I am sorry for your loss.
What things have been said to you about your miscarriage that cut through you?