Kaboutjie SA Mommy Blogs by Lynne Huysamen
Divorce is always sad no matter how you look at it but when there are children involved it becomes even more heart wrenching.
Even when a divorce is as smooth as possible it is going to be a bumpy road, for the parents and for the children. Remember that when you are feeling upset or emotional it does affect your kids.
I have seen this countless times myself with my children and I haven’t gone through anything as painful as a divorce.So my heart goes out to all parents and children that go through this.
I have no personal experience here, so I cannot share anything from my experience, except to say that it is clear that both parties need to try and ensure that everything runs as peacefully as possible for the sake of the children. Try and keep their welfare at the front of your mind in all your dealings with your ex.
I know that a lot of married couples stay together “for the sake of the children” but then fight and have a strained relationship at home. While I do believe that a lot of things can be worked out and that if you put your mind to making something work miracles can happen.
However back on planet earth making things work means both parties coming to the party and making an effort, In addition to this it is really important that if you make it work both parties should find a place of happiness being together. If one or both partners are not happy then it hardly makes sense to stay together.
It doesn’t make sense for the unhappy parents or for the children that will have to live in an unhappy home.
So if you have tried to make things work, but things aren’t going according to plan it may just be best to consider getting a divorce. Now it is time to look at your divorce and the children.
Deal with your own emotions
It is important for you to deal with your own emotions so that you deal with the situation calmly and in a mature way.
So many parents split and the children get affected by the parents emotions. Yes of course you will be sad and feel a sense of loss, but if you are angry and acting out in anger this could have a very negative effect on your children.
It is also vitally important to make sure that you do not make your children suffer in any way in order to punish your ex. So with-holding visitation rights or not paying over money for the upkeep of your children ultimately leads to the children having to pay the price in the end.
It is a great idea for you to go for therapy and work through your emotions. Ultimately this will help you to be a better parent during this trying time.
Helping your children deal with their emotions
Not only will you need to deal with your own emotions but you will need to help your children with their emotions too! You must let them know that they are not the reason you are getting divorced.
You need to figure out how to talk to your children about their feelings and help them to express themselves, and you need to learn when to back off and leave them alone to figure things out for themselves.
The best might be to take your children to play therapy or to see a child psychologist to ensure that they are coping in a healthy way.
Learn to communicate with your spouse
Don’t think that because you are getting divorced you never need to communicate again! You have children together so you will be needing to communicate regularly until your youngest is at least 18 years old.
It is imperative that you put the bitterness and anger behind you so that you can learn how to be good co-parents.
Yes you will need to discuss how to split your assets but once that is done and dusted you will be dealing with parenting decisions on an ongoing basis.
Find a good lawyer
While it is important to get everything settled properly, it is important to settle your divorce as soon as possible so you can both move on with your lives. The sooner you are able to move on, the sooner you will be able to heal and create a stable home for your children.
Finding a good lawyer that is compassionate and professional is important.
Like previously mentioned, your divorce is about dividing up your assets fairly and legally but it is also about who pays maintenance, how much and when. It is also about coming to an agreement on the custody arrangement of your children.
Choosing a lawyer that has experience dealing with divorce when it involves children would be a wise move.
There are also firms that offer divorce in two steps as well as many different divorce forms online.
The sad truth now is that often when parents divorce it lands up with some parents not being interested in seeing their children very often and not taking a very active part in their lives. Very often a parent does want to be involved but gets blocked by the other parent out of anger and jealousy.
Some parents don’t pay maintenance, leaving a single parent struggling to pay for their child. I know how expensive children are. Everything costs a bomb now.
Remember that your child is your responsibility whether you live with your child or not, so please make sure that you not only support your child financially in the case of divorce but also play an active role in your child’s life.
Your child needs both parents, for emotional support, as a role model, as a provider and for love and care. You divorce a spouse, not a child!
What are your thoughts and experience on divorce and the children?
I never never ever want to do this to my baby.
Hey Marisca, yes me neither but you know not all relationships are going to be happy. Unfortunately sometimes people get divorced and that is a fact of life.
It is possible to have an amicable split and to keep the child’s best interests at heart. I have seen this happen, but it takes a certain level of maturity and a lot of thought needs to be put to the child’s welfare.
Thats true Lynne.
I just feel the heartbreak when someone talks about divorce.
One of my friends said that divorce is worse than that person passing away cause you still have to see the person.
?
Lynne, I agree completely with this! Speaking from experience we tried to stay together, but towards the end my little one was acting up like you wouldn’t believe. She was two at the time and obviously could feel that things were not right. Once we split, because we both had the sense that she comes first (even though it was extremely difficult not to lash out at him) she is now much happier and well grounded. We still do family activities together, just the three of us and she absolutely loves it. We managed to remain friends, purely because we knew it was best for our child. What saddens me and i will admit it, the thought did cross my mind many times in the beginning, are mothers who use their children to punish perfectly good Daddies, I’ve seen and heard such horror stories about this. Its human nature to want to lash out and do as much damage to the person who hurt you, but as i did, you have to stop and think, that you are responsible for the outcome of a little persons life, its extremely difficult but whats best for your baby is what is important.
I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, and if the situation doesn’t involve anything extremely hectic such as violence etc, know that, with hard work, you can take a bad situation and turn it around into something good for the most important little person in your life 🙂
Tamara thank you for sharing your personal story for the parents here. I totally agree with you, I have seen so many mommies preventing baby daddy from being a part of the child’s life for no good reason other than trying to punish him. The one that suffers the most is the child.
There is one thing I do know and that makes me feel so happy, is that I know my husband would always put his children first, he will always want to play a huge part in their lives and support them in all ways possible… and this is when we are together like now and I know he will also do so if we ever split.
I am just so thankful that although sometimes marriage is rocky and really hard, we are able to pull together and make it work. I must admit that being married is so hard and when you add children in…. well let’s just say I might still be married but there have been plenty of moments I have felt like it was touch and go!
I am so glad that you and your ex have managed to put your child’s best interests first, I am sure it is not always easy.
Tamara, I completely resonate with your comment. I tried for so long to make it work with my ex but unfortunately he was abusive and it did affect my little one. His school recommended he see a child psychologist.
Since separating, my son is doing so much better in general. He doesn’t understand why I am not around any more (my husband left with my son) but he is definitely happier, and often tells me when I do see him that he likes seeing Mommy laughing so much more.
While my ex was abusive to me, he was and still is an amazing father, so I would never want to keep my son from him. I am trying to be as friendly as possible with him, as we have another twelve years of having to deal with one another, for the sake of my son. My ex on the other hand is a different story.
Through all this, all I can think about is my son and his well being, and how all of this will affect him. I really hope that one day myself and my ex can get to a point like you and be friends, and do things together with our son.
I really commend you on being the bigger person, for your little one. It really helps to see that it can be done in a nice way.
@sami87, thank you so much for sharing your story with me and for your very kind words. I am so sorry that you are missing out on time with your son, my ex and I share custody 50/50 so I know it is extremely difficult at first. Hang in there, I am not saying it gets easier but you do learn to cope a lot better the more time goes by and occasionally you find yourself grateful for the little bit of time that you are “off Mommy Duty.”
I hope for your families sake that your ex comes to realise what is truly important and puts in a little bit of effort in to making the transition for your little one a little bit easier. You are in my thoughts.
I Agree Lynne, my heart was so sore when i realized i couldn’t give my little one the white picket fence and all that. But honestly when i sit and talk to some of my friends and they chat about their marriages – i often find myself breathing a sigh of relief that i am “free” of all that.
You’re right – its not always a bed of roses like we were brought up to believe 😛 but you are blessed that when the ….. hits the fan that you and your hubby are able to pull together and see the bigger picture.
My Baby Daddy is a phenomenal Father, although as partners go – we were terrible for each other. He always puts our daughter first, picks her up from school, drops her off and actually does a lot to make my life a little easier. When something breaks in my house for example, he,s the one to come and see to it. They other day my daughter i found a dead bird in our garden, which completely freaked me out 😛 Baby Daddy got into his car and came to dispose of it for us …. its like having a hubby on call, with out the drama LOL
I can imagine to reach to that extend of divorce,my son will suffer alot god help me not to be divorced.