As long as I can remember I wanted to be a mother, I had a connection with children and so much love to give that If it was possible I would have 10 children (logically my mind knows that this is very expensive) but if I could I would. I wanted to be a mother like my mother; she has the heart of a bus, always space for one more and accepted you without judgement until you prove her wrong. But so it came to be that I would be the only child, raised with the passion of a dear mother.
In the year that I turned 18, I had the shock of my life; I lost my right ovarian and the tube due to a growth on my ovarian, they had to do an Emergency operation that almost took my life. I was awoken with the news that they have removed a 10cm growth and said that my left ovarian was very small, I had to hear the awful news that I have 25% chance of becoming pregnant.
My whole world caved in around me, I was so judgmental of God and everything around me, All I could ask is: “Why me?” After 2 months of not even going close to a clothing store or getting out of the house for the fear of seeing babies or baby clothes or in that fact anything to do with babies, I started to accept my fate, accepting that I would not be a mother. At 18 years old this made me feel I lost my sole purpose of being a woman.
The following year I met the love of my life (or so I thought) and I was pregnant the year after my operation. I found out the Wednesday and the Friday I had the miscarriage, I was 17 weeks pregnant with a baby girl. I was broken, my heart ripped into pieces. They told me my womb rejected her. As if I needed to hear that my entire body is against my yearning to have a baby. I went in a depression phase in my life and cried almost every night, still asking God “Why me?”
My husband and I divorced after a short marriage. But I reconnected with my high school sweetheart, I fell in love, I started to believe in something good. I started breaking in front of him telling him what lies in my deep dark chambers of my broken heart and soul. I started mending and he accepted me broken, loved me even if I could not have any children. I felt for the first time that everything might be ok. We were dating for 2 years when we had a pregnancy scare, I was relaxed and he freaked but to our disappointment there was nothing, at that time I said to him that I give Up, I even said to God “I give up, if you wanted me to bring life into this world, its then up to you now.” I gave myself total over to the mentality “if it happens, it happens, if not then… Oh well, such is life”.
It was in October of 2011 I got extremely sick with the mumps, and I can tell you it is not at all pleasant. It felt like I had stored all my food in my cheeks and couldn’t swallow, so 2 weeks of bed rest and I was back at work. Feeling so tired I could fall asleep anywhere and at any time. I just thought that the being sick has made me worn out, so I ignored it. So later in October my birthday arrives, casually sitting on the couch fighting the urge to sleep my boyfriend tells me the words that makes any woman’s head spin “Honey do you realise you are 7 days late?”. (yip he kept good record of my periods due to my problems) so there I am sitting thinking to myself and counting in my head the days “Oh wow I am”.
So the next day I get a pregnancy test and I don’t think much of this. Do the peeing thing and just in a relaxed manner leave the stick, finish the toilet business and think “nah not me”, to my surprise there they are, those infamous two stripes staring back at me. I am speechless.
So I started the pregnancy, I went upstairs told my boyfriend and he was so happy he could scream. I was still in a state of shock. But I had to go to work. So I got dressed and left for work.
Every day that passed had me nervous, every time I went to the loo and wiped I checked for blood, until I had my first sonar telling me that there is truly a life inside of me. Safe.
I held my breath up waiting for bad news and the doctor looked at me saying everything is great. I was still checking for blood every day. The remembrance of the previous pregnancy ringing in the back of my head “you’re not safe yet”. I prayed each day till the next sonar.
I heard his/her heartbeat, I sobbed my eyes out. My little person is still alive and well. Moving and growing. But I was still reminded by the past “You are not yet past 17 weeks” Oh did I pray. And what made it worse is that it was December and all the gynea’s were closing for holiday. So January was very far away.
Oh hello beautiful January, Oh have I longed for that month. My last appointment was the 5th of December 2011 and the next one only the 16th of January 2012, but we made it past the 17 week mark and my womb and heart was doing the happy dance. But we wanted to meet our miracle. We wanted to know who he or she was.
Our little person was healthy and growing, but was sleeping not giving the doctor any chance to see the gender. The doctor suggested we wait half an hour and then try again. And guess what we saw half an hour later …
Hi Mommy and Daddy
Our miracle was looking at us. Oh how dis my heartbreak and not in a sad way but a good way. Knowing that he or she is alive and well. Now what could my baby be….?
The doctor moved everywhere around and finally baby open wide to show that we were looking at the face of our beautiful baby girl. We immediately had her name : Makayla Hannah. Makayla meaning “Who is like God.” And Hannah meaning “He (God) has favoured me”. Oh we were in love. So we went through the pregnancy without any problems.
With one tug I felt empty, the nurse asked me what was expecting and I told her a girl, she came around the covering to show me my oh so blue baby girl, all I could see was her genitals and legs but she was not crying, as they took her out I heard the most beautiful sound ever. She screamed, not cry, she put out her voice and made sure she was heard.
They did not bring her back as I have lost a lot of blood, 1.2litres as I remember, I started shaking and the doctor said (not speaking to me) “her cervix is ripped”. My poor baby, what she had to go through inside me had scared me back to reality.
The pediatrician came to me saying that I have a healthy baby girl and she is doing great. I asked her to please show my little miracle to her father and grandmother. Later after the operation I got meet my little Makayla. She took my breath away, she was my little person, my little Miracle.
Makayla Hannah Graham.
Born 19 June 2012, 13:40
3.4kg and 41cm long
The first time I could hold her was at 17:55