Kaboutjie SA Mommy Blogs by Lynne Huysamen
I could never be a full time Stay At Home mom, I’m just not built that way!
Talking to my husband a week ago about the struggles I have juggling everything turned out to be quite a mind-opening experience. I explained the usual difficulties of trying to manage a household, run a business and bring up 2 children. He responded that he feels that the roles of women changing has made life difficult for men. The traditional family has now changed with women wanting independence and not wanting to sit at home bringing up children and running the house while the men work and are the bread winners.
His expectation growing up was that he would one day get married, have children and have a “normal” married life. One where his wife stayed at home, cooked his meals, ran the household and looked after the kids. And along comes me. When I was pregnant I thought he was so sweet asking me if I wanted to be a stay at home mom and he would support the family. I thought it was sweet, but hell no! Give up my work and be reliant on someone else for everything? The thought of having to ask for some pocket money to go out for coffee with a friend or to buy a can of Coke makes my blood run cold, and what about that pair of killer heels that are grossly overpriced and I will hardly ever wear but I just want them?
This difference in expectations and opinions brought about some difficulties for both of us. He wanted our children to stay at home for as long as possible before starting preschool, minimum 1 year but hopefully 2 years. My mind says: “Wow honey, can you really afford to take off 2 years from work”. Then the resentment creeps in that of course not, that hadn’t even occurred to him, it is the woman’s job to look after the children.
Personally I think the “househusband” idea is great. Mommies, imagine this: You get up in the morning and just go to work. Yes, no packing of school bags, lunches or anything like that. Quite the contrary, when you leave home there is lunch ready and packed for YOU! When you walk in from work the house is clean and tidy, your clothes have been washed, dried and packed away. You open the fridge and your favourite drink has magically been replenished and is waiting for you. The kids are clean and ready for a bit of mommy time. Supper is ready, a healthy, yummy hot meal and it is just sitting on the table waiting for you. All you have to do is sit down, pick up your fork and shovel it in! After you have eaten your food all you have to do is move your body from the table to the couch and pick up the remote control for the tv. The only irritation is the sound of kids shrieking in the bath and then a bit later the annoying clanking sound of dishes being washed in the sink. The only thing I have to do for this is hand over the majority of my monthly salary? Done deal! I don’t think many men understand the true mental load that women have.
And no my husband is not a chauvinistic type, but the roles in the family have been set for a long time and us women are trying to break free. I think it is just a little hard for the men to swallow.
What is your opinion on the roles of men and women in the family?
I don’t think that anyone should have to face fixed roles- if every member of the family was allowed to play to their strengths there would be a lot less problems. We are all individuals we all excel and fail in different areas and a husband and wife should compliment eachother in that regard and be ready to adapt cause life is always changing and throwing new stuff at us. We all need to step out of the box and design and redesign our lives , to suit our individual family as we grow and change 🙂
Well said!
You have high expectations of men. When I worked and my hubby stayed home nothing got done. There were no lunches. I had to specifically write things for him to do on a list (do the laundry, go to store, do dishes, etc) and he’d leave them all ’til 30 minutes before I got home. I’d walk in and he’d still be busy. Of course the house still looked the way I left, no scent of Handy Andy; his clothes all over the bedroom (because tidying up wasn’t on the list). Enough negativity. No, the reason I like to stay home is because I love home! I hate going out and interacting with people. And because of negative experiences in day care as a child I will not put my kid in someone else’s care if I can help it, but that’s just me :). Let the man WORK while you stay home and PLAY! 😀 Seems like a great deal to me.
LOL Juhani yes you are quite right, I suppose if the men stayed at home not much would be done during the day! I do like to dream though 🙂
Hi Lynne,
I enjoyed reading your post, and want to comment that being a stay-at-home mom or dad is a big job. I was single with three kids 5, 3, and 1 when I was separated and later divorced. I had no career and caring for everyone and working was a tough job. Luckily I had some friends that were some moms that stayed home with their kids, and they helped me out with watching my children while I went to work.
I don’t think there is a set rule for who does what, however, I do think it is important for children to have guidance, attention and lots of love while they are growing up. The decision as to who will do what is up to each couple. Thanks for a great post. Sally (P.S. I don’t like signing into a site to leave a message, but did so since I enjoyed reading your post. Just saying! LOL)
Thanks for your feedback Sally and yes it is HARD job!
In today’s time there is no reason why daddy shouldn’t have the joy of his kids 24/7. My husband would rather play with his kids all day then go to work
I think my husband would also prefer to stay at home with the kids! I am not too sure about how he would feel about being provided for by his wife lol.
Hi nice post, times have changed it has become easier for women to find jobs now. My husband is a stay at home dad for 2 years now but he is very unhappy, being a traditional Zulu man he reckons he should be the one providing for his family.
The challenge is he is almost 40 with no matric and even when he was working he earned a 1/4 of my salary, don’t get me wrong this small salary paid for my BCOM so he is the reason I earn what I earn.
Anyway he is amazing (most days) although he doesn’t pack my lunch or do loundry he does everything else for me. I hope he gets a job for his sake but I don’t really mind either way
Hi Precious
I think you’ve highlighted a problem for most men though. I think it is hard for them to not be the bread winner. Traditional roles are hard to let go of. I think it is easy for us to say we are find with our men staying at home… but not so easy for them to adapt.
It is sad that he is not happy, I hope he finds acceptance or a job soon!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Agree stay home men not much get done and im a mommy that try and do as much myself bec daddy work hard…im stay home mommy
I take my hat off to you @lisaanderson I need to work, I just need it!
That’s would never work with my hubby he loves his business too bit to even take a day off its takes him a lots of consideration
I think it would be great for the husband to stay at home to experience that of what a woman does every single day and like you said all they do is come home from work and everything is done and to them that is the life as their saying goes “I go to work everyday and work hard every day to support the family.” YES you do and we are appreciative and thankful also proud of you because of it, but they never think that a woman’s job is never done here by 4 or 5 o clock no we work 24/7 and it is just as taxing and just as hard.
I was once a go to work mommy and loved the fact that I earned my own salary it gave me some sort of independence knowing I could go buy myself that beautiful dress I’ve seen or just to say here’s some cash get yourself lunch at work today coz I didn’t have time to pack lunch that morning trying to get everyone up and ready for the day. It was just as hard going to work knocking off, going to pick up my ba y from daycare then coming home tidying up, being there for our son and making dinner all before hubby got home that afternoon.
Now I’m a stay at home mommy and I understand you 100% when you say it is not nice to have to ask hubby for “pocket money” and you also feel guilty as now there is only one income coming in. But I now at least have the chance to be with my child it is a great gift that many moms don’t get and I am grateful for it but one does miss that independence and the interaction of other people. But everyones feelings and thoughts are different.
I hear you Nikita! My kids are much older now and in primary school so that gives me more time to myself to work and get thing done, however I still bring in half the income for the home, go to all the school events, do almost all the cooking, shopping, laundry, cleaning, homework with the kids…. It is exhausting. My hubby does pitch in more than he used to, which I am very grateful for but the majority of it all still sits with me.
There’s a whole stigma that women should care for the household while men provide the money. But we are not living in the 1900’d anymore. you see more and more women become successful in the business world and that means men need to pull their weight more in the household.
we live in a world where men can’t feel that its belittling to change a dirty diaper or wash a couple of dishes.
a marriage is 50/50 in all aspects.
Exactly! Although one thing my husband really was hands on with was changing dirty nappies and I really appreciated it. He also does the dishes sometimes now but not as often as I would like LOL. Things have changed a lot since I wrote this post – at the time of writing this post I had a 1 year old and a 3 year old. My daughter only started creche from 2 years old and my son from 1 year old so it was really hard since I was working from home and managing almost everything myself. Over the years hubby has started to help out a lot more, plus my kids are in primary school so I have a lot more time to work undisturbed. There was a period of time (when I wrote this) that everything was just too much and I felt very much like I was doing everything on my own with very little support.