As long as I can remember I wanted to be a mother, I had a connection with children and so much love to give that If it was possible I would have 10 children (logically my mind knows that this is very expensive) but if I could I would. I wanted to be a mother like my mother; she has the heart of a bus, always space for one more and accepted you without judgement until you prove her wrong. But so it came to be that I would be the only child, raised with the passion of a dear mother.
In the year that I turned 18, I had the shock of my life; I lost my right ovarian and the tube due to a growth on my ovarian, they had to do an Emergency operation that almost took my life. I was awoken with the news that they have removed a 10cm growth and said that my left ovarian was very small, I had to hear the awful news that I have 25% chance of becoming pregnant.
My whole world caved in around me, I was so judgemental of God and everything around me, All I could ask is: “Why me?” After 2 months of not even going close to a clothing store or getting out of the house for the fear of seeing babies or baby clothes or in that fact anything to do with babies, I started to accept my fate, accepting that I would not be a mother. At 18 years old this made me feel I lost my sole purpose of being a woman.
The following year I met the love of my life (or so I thought) and I was pregnant the year after my operation. I found out the Wednesday and the Friday I had the miscarriage, I was 17 weeks pregnant with a baby girl. I was broken, my heart ripped into pieces. They told me my womb rejected her. As if I needed to hear that my entire body is against my yearning to have a baby. I went in a depression phase in my life and cried almost every night, still asking God “Why me?”
My husband and I divorced after a short marriage. But I reconnected with my high school sweetheart, I fell in love, I started to believe in something good. I started breaking in front of him telling him what lies in my deep dark chambers of my broken heart and soul. I started mending and he accepted me broken, loved me even if I could not have any children. I felt for the first time that everything might be ok. We were dating for 2 years when we had a pregnancy scare, I was relaxed and he freaked but to our disappointment there was nothing, at that time I said to him that I give Up, I even said to God “I give up, if you wanted me to bring life into this world, its then up to you now.” I gave myself total over to the mentality “if it happens, it happens, if not then… Oh well, such is life”.
It was in October of 2011 I got extremely sick with the mumps, and I can tell you it is not at all pleasant. It felt like I had stored all my food in my cheeks and couldn’t swallow, so 2 weeks of bed rest and I was back at work. Feeling so tired I could fall asleep anywhere and at any time. I just thought that the being sick has made me worn out, so I ignored it. So later in October my birthday arrives, casually sitting on the couch fighting the urge to sleep my boyfriend tells me the words that makes any woman’s head spin “Honey do you realise you are 7 days late?”. (yip he kept good record of my periods due to my problems) so there I am sitting thinking to myself and counting in my head the days “Oh wow I am”.
So the next day I get a pregnancy test and I don’t think much of this. Do the peeing thing and just in a relaxed manner leave the stick, finish the toilet business and think “nah not me”, to my surprise there they are, those infamous two stripes staring back at me. I am speechless.
So I started the pregnancy, I went upstairs told my boyfriend and he was so happy he could scream. I was still in a state of shock. But I had to go to work. So I got dressed and left for work.
Every day that passed had me nervous, every time I went to the loo and wiped I checked for blood, until I had my first sonar telling me that there is truly a life inside of me. Safe.
I held my breath up waiting for bad news and the doctor looked at me saying everything is great. I was still checking for blood every day. The remembrance of the previous pregnancy ringing in the back of my head “you’re not safe yet”. I prayed each day till the next sonar.
I heard his/her heartbeat, I sobbed my eyes out. My little person is still alive and well. Moving and growing. But I was still reminded by the past “You are not yet past 17 weeks” Oh did I pray. And what made it worse is that it was December and all the gynea’s were closing for holiday. So January was very far away.
Oh hello beautiful January, Oh have I longed for that month. My last appointment was the 5th of December 2011 and the next one only the 16th of January 2012, but we made it past the 17 week mark and my womb and heart was doing the happy dance. But we wanted to meet our miracle. We wanted to know who he or she was.
Our little person was healthy and growing, but was sleeping not giving the doctor any chance to see the gender. The doctor suggested we wait half an hour and then try again. And guess what we saw half an hour later …
Hi Mommy and Daddy
Our miracle was looking at us. Oh how dis my heartbreak and not in a sad way but a good way. Knowing that he or she is alive and well. Now what could my baby be….?
The doctor moved everywhere around and finally baby open wide to show that we were looking at the face of our beautiful baby girl. We immediately had her name : Makayla Hannah. Makayla meaning “Who is like God.” And Hannah meaning “He (God) has favoured me”. Oh we were in love. So we went through the pregnancy without any problems.
I loved being pregnant, was planning the whole natural birth and breastfeeding, was giving birth at a state hospital as neither did my fiancé (jip got engaged by now) or I have medical aid, so we waited for our Makayla to arrive.
On the 15th of June the Morning early I started having contractions. Sending my fiancé to work he dropped me off by my mom’s house. We kept checking the watch, 4 mins, 5mins, 4mins, 5mins… then came 3mins and I called my fiancé and said that he should come. So we went to the nearest state hospital and I was put on the monitoring machine. I was 2 cm dilated. They kept me over night. The next morning still contractions, no water break and still only 2 cm. they sent me home. I was at home and during the night, I had the most intense contraction. The Sunday I went back and I was only 3 cm (and we are going in for day 3) I was so tired but I was going on as this is for my miracle that I was praying for. They admitted me again and I was still having contraction and still not dilating. Day 4 and still no sign of going into labour. They promised us that I nothing happened the Sunday I would go for C section, the Monday morning the new staff said that I am still young and this is my first baby, it always takes longer. I was beyond annoyed as this is my little Makayla, my gift from God, my miracle. They kept me on till the Tuesday. Tuesday morning my water broke 00:30 but I was still not dilating, they started and induction.
All I could get out was “Please make it stop”. I was in so much pain and I was not dilating and still they ignored the option for a C – Section. My mother arrived at 7:00 at the hospital to stand in for my fiancé as he had to go hospital to get his diabetic medication.
All I could get out to my mom is “She is tearing out of me”, my mother grabbed the nearest nurse and said she want them to phone now for a C Section. After threats they did.
At 10:30 and ambulance arrived and they transported me to another hospital. I was received by the first doctor in my entire labour; she gave me one look and booked me for a C – Section. I had blood running down my legs and screaming in pain, just praying my miracle would survive. I told my mom that I was having an Emergency C- Section and in return she notified my fiancé, he was on his way.
Unfortunately he was not allowed in the theatre. I was sitting on the table waiting for a gap between my every 30 seconds contractions so I can hold still for the spinal. Finally they got it in and as they laid me down the contraction stopped, I was so exhausted I could barely talk straight.
While operating and cutting through the protective barrier that has been keeping my baby safe for 10 months (I was 2 weeks overdue) all I could hear the doctor say “How could they have waited this long”. I was worried when was I going to hear my miracle, Is she alive?
With one tug I felt empty, the nurse asked me what was expecting and I told her a girl, she came around the covering to show me my oh so blue baby girl, all I could see was her genitals and legs but she was not crying, as they took her out I heard the most beautiful sound ever. She screamed, not cry, she put out her voice and made sure she was heard.
They did not bring her back as I have lost a lot of blood, 1.2litres as I remember, I started shaking and the doctor said (not speaking to me) “her cervix is ripped”. My poor baby, what she had to go through inside me had scared me back to reality.
The pediatrician came to me saying that I have a healthy baby girl and she is doing great. I asked her to please show my little miracle to her father and grandmother. Later after the operation I got meet my little Makayla. She took my breath away, she was my little person, my little Miracle.
Makayla Hannah Graham.
Born 19 June 2012, 13:40
3.4kg and 41cm long
The first time I could hold her was at 17:55